I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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