Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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