margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
