I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
