K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?