i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
