Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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