you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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