and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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