oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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