Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
