The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
