Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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