I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
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