Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
