sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
