I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
