2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
