I'm so fucking centered right now
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The power of my boobs compel you
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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