I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
