I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
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The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
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I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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