This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
did i walk over a car last night?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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