You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
