u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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