I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
