We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
