Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
