I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
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The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
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you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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