What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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