genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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