If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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