woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
