she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm always down for nudity.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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