I met the friendliest cop last night
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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