you will always have a special place in my vag
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
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I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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