I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
