You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
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If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
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I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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