Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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