two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
