Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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