I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
