What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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