to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
