mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
