Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
