Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
