I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
