i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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