Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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