Yo dont text me then not text me
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
