I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
