Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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