I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
