Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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