im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
