I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
