I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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