Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We got so high we made milksteak
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
