I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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