I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
