He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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