You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
