Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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