my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You are the jesus of drinking
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
