Can i not drive my cunt home
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm at about main and main street
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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