Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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